Dear Nagi
by AmyFawkes
Summary: Tsuna is best friends with a girl named Nagi. Writing letters to each other, they hoped to spend time with each other on her 10th birthday, but everything goes wrong and she is caught in a fatal car crash. He continues to write letters to her.
1. November 25th, 2000

Authors note: This is an alternate universe in which Tsuna and Chrome are both 10 years old and they are childhood friends. This is just before Nagi dies and becomes Chrome. Their relationship is based off of **asklittlenagi** and** little-tsu**'s relationship on tumblr. To be clear, Mai-chan is Nagi's pet kitty. Every chapter is going to be a new letter, or a different day. Enjoy!

* * *

November 25th, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

Oh my god I hope this was sent to the right address! I got your new address the other day and I really hope I didn't put a number in the wrong place or something! If I did, I'm really sorry! Don't read it if you're not Nagi-chan, okay? Sorry for bothering you!

Anyway, hi! It's Tsuna! Or Tsunaoshi, if you really insist on continuing to call me that, haha. :] How are things? I turned 10 a month ago! Isn't that awesome? I'm finally 2 whole digits! It's still really hard to believe. I'm gonna miss being 9. Oh yeah, I got your present! Thank you soooo much for the kitty plushie! I named it Nagi, after you! I hope you don't mind. It looks just like Mai-chan. How is Mai-chan, by the way? Still well, right? Your birthday is next month, right? I'll keep in mind to get you something too! I hope it'll be as good as the present you got me!

I'm entering middle school next year. Scary! I can barely handle people in my school as it is… gosh, I hope middle school is like a new start. Gonna hope that I don't get beat up like usual! ( v A v ) How are things in your new home? Do you like it there? How's the weather? Is going to an actual school really as cool as you thought? Made any new friends yet?

Sorry for all the questions! It's just been a long time since we last talked! (3 months, woah! School really keeps us busy, huh?) Nothing's really changed here in Namimori. All the usual small town thing! The park has kinda been lonely though. After all, everyone left. Everyone stopped talking to me, or at least, stopped visiting the park every Sunday. You're the only one I really keep talking to, and, well, I haven't been really keeping up that either. I'm sorry about that! m( _ _ )m

I'm running out of space on my paper! Aaarrghh man I had so much more to say! Okay, well, if I sent this to the right address, I hope you'll respond soon, Nagi-chan! I really really miss you! Hope things are going well over there. I'm looking forward to your response! Bye!

-Tsuna


	2. November 30th, 2000

November 30th, 2000

To Tsunayoshi,

Silly! I'm better at pronouncing things now, stop treating me like I'm five again!

…okay, I'm kidding. That actually really made me laugh. This whole letter made me laugh. I'm glad to have a friend like you. I haven't laughed like this in a long time. And you sent it to the right address, don't you worry. =^w^= I'm glad you liked the gift! I hope you keep it for a long time! Something to remember me by.

Guess what! I'm actually coming down by Namimori next week for my birthday! I'll fill you in then, okay? I'll bring Mai-chan too! She's well, and she's quite happy that you asked how she was doing! =w=

I hope to see you soon. =D We can meet at the park at 9 next week! Mark it on your calendar, okay? "Meet Park 9:00AM" on December 5! Don't wanna miss you! ;)

Goodbye for now. I hope to see you again soon, and then we can talk together all day long. Like the good old days!

Sincerely,  
Nagi


	3. December 5th, 2000

He waited eagerly, rocking back and forth on his feet and pacing round and round the play structure. It was only 8:30, but he really didn't want to miss her. After all, she was practically his only friend, and he just couldn't wait to spend time with her, especially on her 10th birthday! It was really exciting to have the both of them be two whole digits already.

He sat down on the edge of the sandbox. Just then he realized that he had nothing planned for the day, which was really dumb on his part, because he should have done something fun for his best friend! He hadn't even finished her birthday present. He just needed a chain to complete the necklace, and he swore to himself that he would find one and get it done by the next day and give it to her then, if she was still in town. Maybe he could even surprise the girl by sneaking up behind her and putting it on her, or getting Mai-chan to bring it to her!

He spent the following half hour thinking of what to say and things that the two of them could do. Before he knew it, he heard the cheerful meowing of a cat. Looking for the source, a black cat came bounding up to him. Catching the feline in his lap, he boyishly giggled as its tongue rasped his face.

"Hi Mai-chan!" He said through his laughter. Gently setting the cat back down on the ground, he eagerly turned his head in search of his friend.

There she was—her dark purple-tinted hair shiny in the bright sunlight. She was wearing her normal white sundress, despite the season nearing winter. She was jogging towards him and her kitty excitedly.

"Nagi-chan!" The boy squealed rather girlishly. Sprinting off from his seat, and stumbling a couple times, he dashed over to Nagi, greeting her with a great big hug.

"Tsunayoshi!" She was thrilled, hugging him back tightly before letting go. Smiling as bright as the sun, she placed a hand on top of his head. "You've grown!"

"I've grown because I'm 10 whole years old! And so are you, Nagi-chan! Happy Birthday!" He gave her a wide toothy grin. She laughed in response. "Sorry that I don't have your birthday present… I almost finished it! I'll give it to you tomorrow, okay? You'll still be around, right?"

Nagi laughed, nodding. "Thank you, Tsunayoshi. I'll still be here tomorrow, don't worry! Thank you for thinking about making me a birthday present."

He tugged gently on her arm, heading in the direction of the swings. "Hey, let's go sit over there, okay?"

* * *

The cat meowed and licked its paw. The purple-haired girl let out a soft chuckle, stroking Mai's back as she rocked back and forth on the swing carefully, making sure that the feline would not fall out of her lap.

"Yeah… it's probably going to be awfully lonely at school." Tsuna shrugged, after running out of topics to talk about. "I wish I had a little friend like Mai-chan there who would hang out with me every day after I get home!"

Nagi giggled. "Well, I did teach you how to take care of Mai-chan and kitties in general… I'm sure your mom will let you have one!"

Tsuna sighed and leaned back, gripping the swing's chains and kicking his legs a little bit. "Well, that's not the problem. I just don't think I would be responsible enough! I can't even take care of my own homework, what makes me fit to take care of a kitty?"

"Because you can take care of people!" Nagi started with big owlish eyes. "Remember when I was sick because I walked to your house in the rain? You made sure I was all well before I went back home, and you dried off my hair, and even let me use your bed."

"W-well…" Tsuna laughed shyly. "That's a little different! Taking care of people is easier than taking care of a kitty…"

"No it isn't, silly." Nagi smiled. "I'm sure you would do fine!"

"Well, if you say so, Nagi-chan. You're the smart one here!"

"I'm only smart in school! When it comes to other people and friends, Tsunayoshi knows best."

"No way! I'm no good at making friends, of all things! I won't be able to make many friends in middle school…"

"Tsunayoshi is going to be very popular, I'm sure! He's going to have lots and lots of friends in his class." He scratched the back of his head with a nervous laughter. The girl smiled in response.

"Hey, Nagi-chan, do you wanna go somewhere instead of just hanging out in this park?" Tsuna asked curiously. "We can go get some ice cream."

"No, that's okay, Tsunayoshi. I like it here." She smiled, surveying the park. "It's like an amusement park that we have all to ourselves. It's not big, and it's not crowded, but it's been ours since we were little and we have lots and lots of memories here. Lots of happy memories like when we first met." She looked down at the cat peacefully resting in her lap. "I really miss Namimori Park. The park at my new home just isn't the same. I guess it's because it's not our park, where you fell off the slide, or where I learned how to play Superheroes with you!"

Tsuna laughed. "I guess you're right. This park is really special! I hope we can keep making lots of happy memories here."

"Yeah, let's!" Nagi smiled.

The small black cat perked up curiously. Its head seemed to twitch and look around, as if deciding what to do before bouncing off of Nagi's lap.

"Ah!" Nagi frowned, letting go of the swing's chains as she hopped up too. "Where are you going, Mai-chan? Wait up!" She called after the cat, but to no avail. The cat dashed to the edge of the sidewalk, where it took another pause.

Nagi barely caught up with it before it took off again, running straight into the street. The girl pouted. "Get back here, Mai-chan, that's dangerous!" The cat paused and turned to face its owner, responding with a deep stare and a meow.

Tsuna stared, watching the whole thing. There was a beeping sound. He had a terrible feeling. Taking in his surroundings, he saw a big truck on the road, charging like a mad bull. Panicked, he looked back to Nagi, who seemed ignorant of the sound around her as she began to step out into the street to retrieve her cat. The cat seemed frozen in place, just staring at Nagi as she carefully stalked her way toward the feline. His eyes widened in fear.

"Nagi-chan!" Tsuna screamed, but he wasn't quite sure if any sound came out. He couldn't hear anything. Helplessly, he tried to warn her. He was shaking really hard, but he was stiff. His feet refused to move. All his body was allowing him to do was watch as the tragedy unfolded.

Sound must have come out of Tsuna's mouth because Nagi turned around to catch sight of Tsuna's terrified eyes. Curious, she looked around, gasping at the oncoming truck. Tsuna was relieved that she noticed, and that she could have had time to get out of the way.

His heart dropped when he saw her run further into the street.

He tried screaming again but he couldn't. Unable to do a thing, he watched Nagi crouch down and gather up her cat in her arms. She must have known the truck was too close now, and she must have heard the furious roar of that mechanical monster ready to devour her. All she did was squeeze her eyes shut, curl up around her cat and turned her back on the car.

It was coming way too fast, but it seemed like the moment would never pass for Tsuna. He watched it make its approach. He watched every single small movement of his best friend, from her turning around to the way that her arms tensed as they wrapped around the cat. He saw her turn her head toward him, her eyes full of tears. He saw how deftly afraid she was. And he saw her say something. What was it? Tsuna couldn't hear a thing. What did she say to him?

From the looks of it, she had told him a last, "Sorry." Or was it "Thank you?" He would never know. Because in the very next moment time returned to normal and the truck made a devastating impact with the small girl.

The screeching stopped. The screams did too. But maybe it was him who was screaming the whole time, because his throat was dry and soar and he coughed out choked sobs.

His hands finally let go of the swing's chains, and he tumbled to the floor clumsily, pushing himself up and running over to the site of the impact.

"Nagi-chan!" He screamed. "Get up, Nagi-chan! Get up!" His tears were falling. She wasn't moving. Why wasn't she moving? Her ribs, though slowly, were expanding and contracting. She was still breathing, which was a relief. The truck driver was calling the ambulance. "Come on, Nagi-chan! Don't leave yet! Stay right here, everything will get better, I promise! Just stay here, stay here, and Tsunayoshi is going to make... to make e-everything okay again! I-I promise!"

He sobbed and curled over her body, hugging her gently. "D-don't leave. I need you, Nagi-chan."

From inside the little ball Nagi had made with her body, a quiet, tiny, scared meow erupted.

* * *

_December 5th, 2000_

_Dear Nagi-chan,_

_I'm stupid._

_I shouldn't have let you run in the street like that. I saw that truck coming too. I'll never forget it. You know what? I hate trucks._

_I hope you're okay. Maybe you'll see this letter when you wake up. Or maybe I got the address wrong again? Haha, maybe. Sounds like the no-good me!_

_…are you smiling? That was supposed to make you smile, you know!_

_I'm so sorry that your tenth birthday was a bust. Of all things! Well, things will get better, and once they say it's okay for me to see you, I'll come in and throw a party for you right in your hospital room! I'll be sure to get you your present too. I hope it'll make you smile. I think you'll like it._

_They said you lost an eye and your internal organs. I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds bad. But doctors are magical and they'll fix you right up! Just in a little while. I just hope you didn't lose any of your memories. That'd be bad if… you forgot about me. Then you'd feel lonely, and that would be no good at all. Our park would stop being special to you if that happened._

_Mai-chan is okay, by the way. She's been fiercely sobbing for the past couple of hours wondering if you're okay. So get better soon Nagi-chan! A sad kitty is crying, and a sad Tsuna is doing his best to stay strong…_

_Please get better Nagi-chan. Real soon so we can celebrate your birthday! Please please please. I'm praying with all my might! I'm keeping an eye out for shooting stars and butterflies._

_I just don't know if I can even be strong._

_Oh crap! I wet the paper… sorry. D=_

_I miss you, Nagi-chan. Get better. Happy 10th birthday._

_-Tsuna_


	4. December 6th, 2000

December 6th, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

You died today.

-Tsuna


	5. December 10th, 2000

December 10th, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

I really shouldn't have let you run into the street that day. I saw it coming! I hate trucks. I hate them.

I don't know how many times I'll have to tell myself that. But in the end just saying it isn't going to change anything that happened that day.

I watched you die.

What a lousy friend I am.

-Tsuna


	6. December 15th, 2000

December 15th, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

Are there mailboxes in heaven? Hopefully you're reading these then. I'm sorry about my last letter. I kinda remembered that you would have probably gotten mad at me if you knew I was saying those things about myself.

I'm sorry about your birthday. I'm so sorry it happened that way. In your next life, wherever you are, find me! I miss you too much. I guess I'll even tell you that I've been crying. I still haven't given you your birthday gift. I guess… I'll never get to.

I don't really like the number 10 anymore. Just… well, 10 days ago (wow, that's a little ironic) it was really exciting and happy to be 10 years old with you. But now it just sucks. Now I'm going to remember the year when I was 10 years old being the worst year in my entire life.

I can't ever forgive myself. I sat there and I watched my best friend run into the street and die. On top of that, saving someone else's life too. You really are a hero, an angel, aren't you?

Mai-chan is okay. She's living with me now. She's been crying a lot though and it's annoying my parents, but they understand what we're going through. We both just lost our best friend after all. I'm doing my best to take care of her like you showed me.

But I don't get it. Heroes aren't supposed to die.

You're my angel, Nagi-chan. You can't go back to heaven just yet. Please, find a way back. I need you here. I don't have any other friends now. You're my best friend Nagi-chan. I get that God loves you and wanted you back but _I love you_ too and I didn't ever want you to leave me.

I should have ran after you and pushed you out of the way. You've always been my hero, I should have been yours that day. It should have been me.

It shouldn't have been this way.

It should have been me.

It's really, really hard to be strong, you know. Sorry, I wet the paper again.

You'll never really know how much I need you in my life, huh. I do, though. I need you here so bad. Where are you to tell me it's okay, like usual?

I can't. Being strong is too hard.

One day…

One day, Nagi-chan, I'll learn how to fly. Then, when I can, I'll fly all the way up to heaven and visit you.

People tell me to accept that you're not here anymore. But I can't. I know you're here someplace, and you'll read these letters I wrote you soon!

I guess I'll just end up being that boy who never let go, because I can't. I need to hold on you Nagi-chan. You're my angel, my hero, my miracle, and my hope.

If there's one thing to hold on to, it's hope.

-Tsuna


	7. December 19th, 2000

December 19th, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

I got beat up again in school today. Well, I mean, that isn't unusual. I get beat up in school all the time, I just thought that I should tell you about this one.

It was a pretty normal day today. I was eating my lunch alone when the bullies decided to come over. I was trying to be polite so I said "Do you need something?" They got right to the insulting! They didn't even answer my question. :[ But anyway, they said in that mean mocking voice "Aww, poor dame-Tsuna is sitting alone again! Where are your friends? Oh right, you don't have any!" As usual (this has happened before, so it was almost an automatic response) I said "I have friends!" In response, they said "Right! Where's your little girlfriend?"

Okay, that may sound a little weird, I know, but they're big mean bullies who don't listen. I never said you were my girlfriend, please don't think I was lying! I mean, this conversation has happened a lot so one time I told them about you. They thought I was lying since they said a loser like me could never possibly be friends with a girl. I think they're just jealous because none of the girls in our class talk to them.

Back to the story, I didn't respond, because I was trying really hard not to cry and look weak in front of them. You know, because… I remembered where you were.

"Yeah, where is she?" one of them said, while the other laughed and said "Remember guys? She isn't real!" and stuff about how I'm a loser blah blah blah. They were punching me at this point (and they took my lunch!) because I was back-talking them or something. And then I couldn't take it anymore and I started crying. Not because it hurt (it did) but because they kept egging on that stupid question. "Where is she, huh? Where is she?"

They were laughing so hard at me. Then, when one of them said "Where is she to save you now, loser?" I screamed in their face, "She's _dead._" That caught them off guard long enough for me to escape and run away to my hiding place. I cried for the rest of lunch and skipped out on my 4th period class. It kinda… well, it kinda really _hurts _to say it. I never had to say it before, and this was the first time. It really, really, really hurts. I cried for a whole hour, even though I was telling myself not to.

You should have seen their faces though, they were kinda funny. Like they had come to the realization that you actually were a real person, and they were just beating up a kid whose friend just died. Ha, like they ever knew how it felt to have that happen to them! I wonder if they were thinking about it at all for the rest of the day.

But anyway, it's been 14 days. That's two whole weeks already. And guess what? Beside today, I haven't cried in the past three days!

Look, Nagi-chan. I'm getting stronger.

-Tsuna


	8. December 21st, 2000

December 21st, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

Mom found all these letters to you. Well, not so much found as got them in the mail and wondered what they were. Your parents keep sending these letters back, and Mom said they were getting fed up with my nonsense. So I guess… I'll just stop sending them and hold on to them. Yeah, I know it sounds dumb that I sent them in the first place, but I guess I felt like I should send them somewhere and you'd get them. Or maybe I'm just an idiot, who knows. I'm sorry for bugging your parents.

Anyway, Mom asked me about these letters. She sounded real worried and I'm not really sure why. She said some stuff about how I "should accept that Nagi-chan is gone, no matter how sweet a girl she is" and stuff.

I don't think they understand. I mean, I do accept you're dead. How can I not when I saw that _stupid_ truck hit you with my own eyes? I'm not crazy, and I'm not gonna do something stupid like deny it even happened and pretend you're still alive. I'm not gonna deceive myself like that. I'm really not that delusional (that's a new word I learned. It means crazy in case you didn't know.). I accept that you're not here anymore, Nagi-chan. Maybe not wholeheartedly, but I'll accept it.

The thing is – I just want to keep writing letters to you. I know I'll never get one back, which is sad since you have very pretty handwriting (mine is yucky!). It kinda helps too. I mean, now I can talk about you and not cry every time I say or write your name. Talking to you like this kinda… helps me make new memories that aren't as bad as that day. You know, I don't want to be left off with a bad memory of you, so I like to imagine you with your angel wings laying on a cloud and reading these letters, laughing and smiling. Or getting upset at me, but that's okay too.

It's comforting because you're the only friend I have that I can talk to like this, ever in my entire life. If I didn't write, I'd be a lot lonelier. I know you wouldn't like that. See, I have good reasons for writing to you!

But… my mom is gonna take me to the doctor's to see if I'm mental or something weird like that :/ They might send me to therapy. Which I don't need!

By the way, Nagi-chan, I take back what I said about doctors. They aren't magical, they couldn't fix you right up, and I don't think they cared enough to find another way for you to live.

-Tsuna


	9. December 22nd, 2000

December 22nd, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

Hey, it's almost Christmas! Isn't that exciting? But honestly, it's gonna suck without anyone to celebrate it with except Mom. And Mai-chan, she's gonna celebrate with us too. I realized I haven't talked about her at all in these past couple letters! Sorry, I'm sure you've been worried about her. I'll give you an update on her in a minute, but I just have to get something off my chest.

My dad left today. I don't know where he's going but this is gonna really suck. I mean, seriously, this is the first Christmas without you around and not even 20 days later, my dad ups and leaves? Why couldn't he stay? At least for the holidays? So unfair! It's hard right now, still, and I don't need to lose more people who are important to me.

But apparently work called him in, even though he was trying to tell them to let him stay home, but it was something super important and he just couldn't get it off. So it's gonna be Christmas without any friends or even any dad. Well, at least Mai-chan will be here.

Anyway, Mai-chan is fine. She's stopped crying and I can tell she's doing her best to be strong, just like me. Except she's more sad now. Like… how do I describe it? Instead of her ears perked up like normal, they're always flopped down. It makes her look more sad, and she's not as energetic as before either. I can tell she's doing her best sometimes to cheer me up, like licking my face or rubbing my leg, but a cat can only do so much. So sometimes, it's me cheering her up. I like doing that. Making my friends smile always make me happy, and when I see her happy like that, I can see you being happy too.

Since Christmas is coming up, I'm gonna get some presents for mom and for Mai-chan! I was thinking, for Mai-chan, I would get her a nice little sweater since it's all cold outside. I also think I will get her a collar (you never gave her one and I'm not sure if she'll like it), so that if she ever runs away or something, people will know where to return her.

For mom, I'm gonna get her a sweater too. It's gonna match Mai-chan's, hehehe! I hope she likes it!

I've finished my wishlist for Santa, too! I'm sending it after I'm done writing this letter. But here, in case you're curious what I put on it. It's not a lot but hopefully Santa's gonna take my wishes into consideration.

-A friend in school

-Snow

-Dad's flight to be cancelled so he can spend Christmas with us

-Nagi-chan to come down from heaven and spend Christmas with us too

-Or, at least, make her the angel or the star on top of the tree, so she can be close and watch over us.

I know, it's a little far-fetched, but Santa has always given me something I wanted on my wishlists. I mean, remember the year I met you? I put down snow, and wanting to spend Christmas with all my friends, among other things… and well, I got those at least, which was the best thing I could ask for.

Even the year before that, too. I put on my list for Santa that I wanted friends and I got them, plenty of them! I just hope he grants me some friends again, now that I'm back to where I was 6 years ago – alone.

-Tsuna


	10. December 25th, 2000

Author's Note: Hey again! I would just like to say thank you for all of the support I've received! I have only had this story up for about a week and I am only 10 chapters in, and I hope to keep it running for quite a while! I appreciate all of the reviews I get, and I'm quite glad that I can evoke some emotional responses in a lot of you. :]

In this chapter, Tsuna mentions some more of his childhood friends - I bet they're all pretty easy for you to guess who they are! There were more I wanted to include, but they wouldn't seem as logical, like Fran (being unborn most likely) and Gokudera (who lives in Italy). And again, these relationships and nicknames are thanks to and based off of my friends on tumblr, **askchildmukuro, askyams, **and the lovely **baby-bari.** Enjoy!

* * *

December 25th, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

Merry Christmas! Are you celebrating where you are? Is it fun?

Oh, Santa gave me snow this year! =D Mom and me were just making snowmans outside, and I made a snow angel for you. Since you know, you're an angel and stuff, so I thought it would fit, hehe. I'm not sure about the other ones though. I'll have to wait until school comes back before I know if he gave me a friend too. But he didn't give me Dad or you.

Mom and Mai-chan really liked the gifts I got them! They're both wearing them right now. Mom really adored that her sweater matches Mai-chan's, and Mai-chan's ears are nice and perked up! It's really great, they're both so happy! You know, seeing as Mai-chan was so sad, and Dad just left so Mom was sad too, it's really nice that the holidays are cheering them up!

Hey, guess what? I got you something too. It's a telescope, so you can look out at the stars at night. Well, I guess, for you, it would be that you use it to look over me and everyone else! I can't really find a way to deliver it though, since I got it today and I didn't think of it before, so Santa couldn't pick it up last night. But you know what, I'll use it for now! I'll look up at the sky and I'll try to see if I can see heaven. I'll stargaze, too, like we used to do. And when we meet again, I'll give you these. These letters, this telescope, your birthday gift. I'll hold on to them until then, even if it takes 50 years to find you!

Mom's making some cookies right now. It's… well, it's those extra special ones, and she only made them during Christmas! They're the gingerbread cookies that have little chocolate flakes all over the top with frosting. They smell really good, too! Can't wait to eat!

Remember the first Christmas you ever celebrated, with me? You didn't know anything! You didn't even know who Santa was! And when you tasted these cookies, you totally freaked out and took a whole batch home with you, haha.

I remember that year, the first year ever, clearly as day. I feel like the Christmas party at my house brought everyone so much closer together. It was so weird that I had to teach a whole lot of you about Christmas! You, Mukyuu, Kyou. Me and Yams had to teach you all, but it was really fun. You and Mukyuu were trying to master the art of making those cookies, me and Kyou were decorating the tree together and Yams was hanging up the stockings.

We all didn't talk to eachother that much but then I think the party brought us all together! Man, I really miss Mukyuu, Kyou, and Yams. We both don't know where Mukyuu went, Yams got too busy becoming a baseball star and stopped talking to me, and then Kyou… I miss him a lot. I don't know where he went either. I sent Yams letters but he never really wrote back (when he did I couldn't read it) and Kyou never wrote back to me, ever. Is it sad that I can't even remember their full names? I can't even remember yours, I'm sorry. You guys have always been Mukyuu, Kyou, Yams and Nagi-chan to me.

I kinda wish that maybe I could have invited them over to have Christmas with me again this year. But then again… it just… it wouldn't be the same without you.

-Tsuna


	11. December 31st, 2000

December 31st, 2000

Dear Nagi-chan,

Wow, the year's almost over! I can't believe it. I think it's kinda a relief, because the worst year in my life is over now in a couple of hours. But then again, I was thinking it over again. This year was pretty terrible because I lost you, and I don't have any friends now. Also, my dad left, so I only have my mom. But, it's also kinda good. Well, not really. No. That's a lie. But what I mean is that there were at least some good points. Like… Mai-chan is living with me now, so that's sort of an up. And, it's also the last year that… well, it's going to be the last year that… that I was able to see you alive, and see you smile.

Aughh, no wait, I'm gonna cry again. I'm being super cheesy, sorry! It's just that I've kinda been reflecting on this past year, and it was like one big wild roller coaster ride. There were some good points, but there are a lot (and I mean a whoooole lot) of bad points too. But I guess overall, this year was bad. I don't think there could be anything worse in this entire world than losing you.

Okay, so here's my new year's resolution. First and foremost, I'm going to do my very best to take care of Mai-chan. I think she's finally started to feel welcome in my home, and I hope that I can see her be as happy as when she sees you whenever she sees me! I mean, right now, I think her happiness is going to be my priority. Since I like making my friends happy. And anyways, she knew you for much, much longer than I knew you, and you two are like sisters.

I think you going away has hit her much harder than it hit me, maybe. She's actually gotten a lot weaker… it's kinda worrying me. I think it may just be the cold weather, but maybe she has the burden of a heavy heart on her. I have a feeling she blames herself for you going away. I try to tell her that you're not mad at her. But in the end… well, I suppose we're both blaming ourselves for it. Maybe it was both of our faults, or neither of us. If Mai-chan is anything like me, though, she isn't going to stop blaming herself. Boys like me are supposed to be tough, but kitties… well, I'm not sure if kitties are supposed to be tough. But for the longest time, I've always felt like I shouldn't be scared of anything, so that people who are scared can have somebody to run to and hide behind. Since, you know, everyone needs that person to be strong for them. I like trying to be that person.

That's gonna be my second resolution – be that strong and dependable person. I've been sulking since you died, but now the New Year is coming and I'm not going to cry. I'm going to be really, really strong. I'm going to get stronger, you'll see. It's going to be really hard, though.

I'm gonna go to the New Year's festival soon with Mom, and we're going to watch the fireworks! Can you see them where you're at, Nagi-chan? Do they look even more beautiful from up in the sky than from the ground?

Hey, watch them with me, okay? Wherever you are.

-Tsuna


	12. January 15th, 2001

January 15th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Hey! I'm sorry, it's been a little while. Was your New Year's celebration fun?

I was just looking at the calendar today, and I realized that it's been a little more than a month already. I haven't cried since New Year's, so that's good!

I think, just so that I don't forget, I should actually write what happened. Since, well, if I don't maybe it'll never actually get out of my mind. Maybe it's going to keep haunting me. Did I tell you that I honestly can't stop thinking about it? How terrible it all was? It haunts my dreams every night. You're there, and then you're not. Loud beeping, lots of screams. My screams, but did I ever once hear you scream? No... not even in my dreams. Maybe it's because you're too brave to scream in the face of death. Or maybe it's because you've been silenced for good. I don't know, but it drives me crazy. The only place I really see you now is in my dreams, and you still look pretty and your voice helps to calm me down. But the events play over and over and over again. I see it coming everytime. Sometimes I even dream that I had done something about it. But then the worst part is waking up and realizing I didn't do something about it. Or, waking up thinking that it was just a dream and it wasn't real, but then realizing it was real and it couldn't be _just_ a dream.

So, it was your birthday, December 5th, 2000. You were turning 10 years old. You were meeting me at Namimori Park so we could have a fun day together. You said clearly, 9 o clock, be there! And I still do have that letter from you. We were talking about school, life, our families, our old friends, what we're scared of, happy things, playing together, our park. And then Mai-chan ran into the street and you followed. And then you got hit by that truck. The truck driver called the ambulance. You were rushed to the hospital. There was hope that you could have survived… just, only maybe. If you had a stomach transplant, which nobody would give to you. Not even your mother. Up until then, I never realized how terrible your mom was. You always talked about it before, how she never lets you out and how she didn't want you to keep Mai-chan and how she did this and that. But then, I realized how selfish she was, and how much she didn't care. If my daughter was dying and needed my stomach, I would give it to her in a heartbeat. Because she would matter to me. And maybe there would be a little boy who was her best friend who would have been completely devastated and broken if he lost her.

You died that day, not on the 6th like in my letter. You died on December 5th, 2000, at 9:27 PM.

I can see why Mai-chan blames herself. She ran into the street and you followed her. But you would have never even been there if it wasn't for me. If you never asked your parents to come down to Namimori just to see me. If you weren't even friends with me, maybe you would have kept on living!

But no, you were friends with me, and I don't regret that. Because if I wasn't there, would you have even been as happy as you were? I was able to make your life great, I think. I was able to be your hero for a little while, but not on that day. For sure, I don't regret being your friend. I just regret that I can't keep being your friend because you're gone now and it was my fault.

-Tsuna


	13. February 5th, 2001

Feburary 5th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Mai-chan found Nagi-chan today, and she hasn't let go. It's really cute! She's been hugging Nagi-chan all day, rolling around on my bed with it in her arms. She looks so happy too. I guess it smells like you.

Oh, uh, was that a little bit confusing? What I mean is that she found the plushie you gave me for my birthday, the one I named after you. It was sitting in my closet for a while, since it made me a little bit sad staring at it at first. Mai-chan discovered it today, and she's practically treating it like her baby. It's really, really cute, and I'm glad she found it since it's really fun to watch her.

It made me realize that I still have these little parts of you around. You're still here. In Nagi-chan the plushie, in Mai-chan, in the robot plushie you gave me on our first Christmas (I'm holding it now by the way. Mai-chan found that for me too. She also messed up my robot collection but that's okay), in the letter that you wrote to me. There are all these little parts of you still here, with me. I mean, it sure doesn't add up to if you were actually here, but you are still here and that's all the really matters.

-Tsuna


	14. February 22nd, 2001

February 22th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

I kinda noticed that it's been a little while since I last wrote. My letters are getting farther apart. Is that a bad thing? Is it good?

I think it's a good thing. It means that I stopped concerning myself with something that's already happened, that I can't change anymore. It's not like I can travel back in time and fix it, and if I could, what would happen then? Where would I be?

I would still be lonely in school, since you live in a whole other town. Uh… I would be happier, I think. But then, I would also be lonely too. Like, it would be equally lonely. Since whether or not you were alive, you still wouldn't be right here with me. Right now, it's a little better because Mai-chan is here with me, and that makes it less lonely. But then, if you didn't die, you would still be here with me. In the end, everything would still be better if you were alive.

I don't mean to bother you with all of these letters. But it helps me, I guess. It really has, I've gotten better, and I haven't cried yet. Well, I have cried, but that was because I was beat up and not because I was thinking about you. But I guess it's fine. I'll try to write you a letter at least once a month. Or something close to that.

Does it mean I'm growing up, that I'm changing, and I'm moving on? The fact that I'm not writing to you as often as before. Does that mean you're slipping away from me?

No, please. Please, don't slip away from me. I don't want to forget you. You're the only thing I'm hanging on to now.

-Tsuna


	15. March 3rd, 2001

March 3rd, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

It's almost the new school year over here. I'm a little excited!

My teacher pointed this out to me. He said that I haven't been talking lately, and I stopped speaking up class, even to make a dumb remark or ask something. I stopped talking in class, and so people haven't been making as much fun of me since I didn't do anything stupid. I just sit quietly and stare out the window, or write, or draw something. He said it was going on since we got back from our winter break, and at first he was glad that there weren't any random stupid outbursts, but now it's worrying him. I didn't really know that anyone worried about me anymore.

It's really not anything to worry about, I think. But they gotta know that it takes time to get over my best friend disappearing like that. Lots and lots of time. It's been four months already, just about, but it's still hard to get over it completely. I'm almost there.

I realized something. I realized that I'm scared. I'm really, really scared. Ever since you've gone away, the world is a much scarier place for me. Dad isn't here to protect me either.

Remember what I said about how I shouldn't be scared of anything because people who are scared have someone to hide behind? Well, I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm not quite sure I can even be that strong and dependable person I said I would try to be. It's not possible, because I'm lame and a wimp and I'm not good at anything. But, hey, who said I wasn't still going to try…?

This coming school year… I'm really scared of making friends. I don't think they would ever understand what I've gone through, even though I'm only 10. I think it would be best if I don't tell them about you, because I don't need more people pitying me and looking down on me constantly. I need to be stronger, but I'm scared of doing that too.

I'm also scared of talking to girls. I mean, I've always been that way, and you know that. I talked to you because you looked so lonely, and I was lonely too. But I don't think I could do that now. I was stupid back then and I didn't know what I was doing until it was already done. But talking to other girls has always scared me, which is probably why you were my only friend who was a girl. If now I saw a girl who looked lonely, and I was lonely, I don't think I would go up and talk to her like I talked to you.

I'm just… I'm kinda scared of people. I'm scared of getting close to anyone. I just don't want to lose them. I lost my other friends, and I lost you for good. Bullies have always been scary to me. This world is a cruel and awful place filled with lots of cruel and awful people. It's hard finding someone perfect like you, who protected me from the scary world around us. And you know, it's even harder losing that someone perfect like you, and being left alone and unprotected in this world. I think I should just make my own protective shell and not let anyone else inside, because really, wouldn't that just be the best way not to lose anyone ever again?

But then I probably wouldn't be happy, being so lonely. You wouldn't want that. But I wouldn't be so sad either, I think. I'll try to make friends. You did say that I would be super popular in school, and I kinda hope you're right. Maybe I'll find another person like you, who'll lie to my face about how great I am until I accept it. And they'll help me get there, and help me become the great person they see me being. That is, if they don't go away like you did.

You know, I still can't forgive myself for that. Watching you die. If I do make new friends, I'd never forgive myself to watch them die either.

I've learned something. If I want to protect the people I love, I can't sit back and watch. I've got to head straight into battle and fight, because nothing is ever going to be more important to me than the people I love, and I'm never going to let anything take those people away from me. Not someone else, not an animal, not the time passing by, and not even some stupid truck.

-Tsuna


	16. March 4th, 2001

March 4th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

There's something I forgot in my letter yesterday.

I'm scared of our park too. Our amusement park, the one we had to ourselves, the one where I fell off the slide and you learned how to play Superheroes. That one.

I'm scared of it. The memories are too bad there. There are all of those good times, but I'm scared that if I go back there, it's going to be… how do I say it?

Remember that game we played once, Time Machine? Where we went through one side of the play structure and went to the other side, and we were in a whole new time? I feel like the whole entire park would be my Time Machine. All that our park is going to do is take me back to that time, and make me relive it, and I don't want that. I don't want to relive your death. I don't want to relive the car hitting you, I don't want to relive missing you, and I don't want to relive regretting that I did nothing. I did that practically every night. Oh, by the way, the nightmares stopped coming every single night, which is good. But they're still there every now and then.

The worst part is remembering all of the good memories. It's just sad now. Being so happy, and making everyone smile and laugh. There's no "everyone" anymore. And I'll never get to see everyone smile again. Even if I do see them all and make them smile, it's not the same. It's not everyone because you won't be there.

Isn't it funny how one bad memory can outweigh millions of good ones?

-Tsuna


	17. March 14th, 2001

March 14th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

It's White Day today! I know it's not anything special, and I don't have anyone to give chocolates to. After all, who in the world would give me chocolates?

It just reminds me of Valentine's day, 4 years ago. Do you remember that? I gave everyone chocolates because I thought it would be fun, and that we could all share some treats together. You loved the chocolate the most, you and Mukyuu! Your faces were just sparkling, I swear.

And then, a month later, today of 4 years ago, you came up to me and gave me white chocolates. I was so confused! When I asked why, you had just said "Isn't that what you're supposed to do when people give you chocolate on Valentines?" Man, that was so embarrassing! (for me, at least!) I mean, I did like the chocolate, but Kyou wouldn't stop laughing at me. He kept calling me a girl too, because you had the tradition the whole other way around! Well, I guess it was my fault for giving everyone chocolates first.

At least it's a funny story to tell now! Kind of. I never saw Kyou laugh so hard before that. I guess he really got a kick out of me being the girl and you being the boy instead. Not sure why! I mean, seriously? No way someone as manly as me could be a girl! And nobody as sweet as you could be a boy, right? Huh, maybe that's why it was funny?

Gah, I never got Kyou. Did you?

-Tsuna

* * *

**Author's Note: **I decided that I would try to go with something of a more happier mood instead of a constantly depressed/depressing Tsuna. I really love all the reviews I'm getting! Sorry for making you all cry, though, but thank you for supporting me nonetheless!

For this story, I decided that I'll do my best not to skip a lot of the letters that Tsuna writes - so maybe there's going to be a really random letter every so often. Much like this one! But I'm going to mostly keep it to letters that advance the plot, so probably really sad ones. By the way, don't worry too much! It'll certainly get happier sooner or later, guys.

As for your questions, yes! This is going to transition into what actually happens in the manga, so Reborn and even Chrome is going to be there! But that's all I will give you for now. ;] Keep speculating! I love seeing what you all think would happen. =D Thank you again for reading and for your support!


	18. April 7th, 2001

April 7th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Hey. School's been back for a couple of days. It's already been kinda hard.

I don't recognize anyone else in my classroom. I'm not sure who to avoid or who to be friends with, and everyone I tried talking to kinda pushed me off. I mean, I'm trying, I really am! Maybe it just takes some time. Maybe there's someone just as awkward as I am, and then we can become friends in the future! Uh, just maybe. Not really. Nobody's as awkward as me, ahaha.

Well, I actually don't have a lot to say. I just hope that school doesn't keep me too busy to write to you!

Does heaven have school? Is it like homeschool like you had before, or kinda like a public school for angels that are still growing up? Is it fun there? Have you made any friends? I sure hope you did! Do you talk to your friends about me, the kid who writes letters to you constantly? Or point at the ground where I am and say "Yeah, that really lame kid there is my best friend. Too bad I can't be with him, down on earth."

Or… are you like me, writing letters and trying to figure out a way to mail them to me? Do you avoid talking about me to anyone, because you're too scared you'll start to cry because you miss me?

Don't worry, Nagi-chan. I miss you too.

-Tsuna


	19. June 9th, 2001

June 9th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Ughhh it kinda frustrating. I haven't made any friends yet. I'm still going to try, but honestly Nagi-chan, I don't know if I can! Nobody likes me. They all think I'm stupid.

That nickname is back. "Useless-Tsuna." I hoped when I entered middle school that it would go away, but it hasn't. I guess I'm always going to be no-good, huh.

Where are you when I need you to tell me that it isn't true?

-Tsuna


	20. July 11th, 2001

July 11th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

I give up. Making friends is too hard.

I don't know how I ever did it back then but I can't do it again. It's too hard making friends.

I'm okay with that though. It doesn't matter. I don't have to have friends to make it through life! I can just go through school learning, and then I can get a job or something when I grow up. I don't need any friends for that right?

Anyways, if I made friends and lost them, it'd only hurt me.

I don't want to lose more friends. It's just better if I don't have any.

-Tsuna


	21. August 12th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Sometimes, I try to think of things I don't like about you, so that I would miss you less. I try to think of things that I wouldn't miss about you. Like the way you always covered one of your eyes with your hair. And how I had to explain practically EVERYTHING about the world to you, since you were so sheltered and stuff. How you would complain about parents, and then not realize that I got offended because my mom is awesome until I said something about it. Or how you never turned around when I called out your name the first time.

Maybe if you did turn around the first time I called your name, I wouldn't even have to be missing you so badly too! You always make mistakes and mess things up.

But the thing about you is that you always fix the things you mess up too.

Ahh, wait, no, I was trying to think of things I don't like about you! Um… you always mess up, and run into really dangerous situations and you never think things through. You always ended up being a damsel in distress because of that. You're strong, and you could take things head on, but maybe if you used your head first then you wouldn't have to even get in sticky situations to start! Like running into the street with a truck beeping at you to get out of the way.

What about how you always put others ahead of you? You never think of yourself. You could be sick and even _dying_ but you would always think of someone else, like me or Mai-chan!

…it… doesn't work. All these little flaws, these things I don't like about you sometimes, doesn't make me miss you less at all. It makes me miss you more, since I miss having someone to teach stuff to, or getting to be the hero for the damsel. Your flaws make you perfect and it just makes me miss you more again.

-Tsuna


	22. September 6th, 2001

September 6th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Mai-chan died today.

Of a heavy heart.

She just went to sleep last night.

And just didn't wake up.

-Tsuna


	23. September 9th, 2001

September 9th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

I thought I would be fine but I just can't handle it.

I'm alone again. And it makes me realize again – being alone really, really, really hurts. It sucks being alone, and I'm not sure what to do anymore.

I thought I would be fine, I really did! I thought that I didn't need friends at school, I thought I didn't need any friends at all! But I guess it's too hard being alone. I always had Mai-chan by my side, but now she isn't. She isn't here anymore. She was my only friend since I entered middle school! What do I do now? I can't make friends in school, everyone thinks I'm lame.

When you left, the world became a scary place, but it was a place I could keep going on if I could be strong. If there was something for me to hang on! Something that would reassure me that I'm still here. Mai-chan was that thing that reassured me I was still here in this world without being surrounded by the darkness of being alone. But now she's gone.

When you left, the world became a scary place. Then dad left, and the world became a dangerous place. And now Mai-chan's gone too, and the world is just a place that I have to brave all alone.

But I guess, she's at least with you, right? She must have gone to heaven and found you by now, huh. That must be good. Since then you won't have be alone too.

-Tsuna


	24. September 22nd, 2001

September 22nd, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

It's a lot harder being alone than I thought.

Sometimes, I wish this was all some terrible dream. That one day, just one day, I would wake up and you would be sitting by my bed poking my face, wondering if I'm okay. And then I could jump up, hug you, and never let go. Since if that did happen, then I don't think I would ever let go of you again. Ever.

I wish it was something cheesy like that. Like a movie. What if… just what if, it was the other way around? Or, I did manage to push you out of the way of the truck, and I got hit instead? And instead of dying, I just went into this huge deep coma, where I dreamt that I did nothing and that I wrote letters to you after you died? Would it be any better that way, I wonder?

I wish someone else was here to share their opinion with me.

But I guess I'll get used to being alone, eventually.

-Tsuna


	25. October 14th, 2001

October 14th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Happy birthday to me. I'm 11 now!

The worst year of my life is over now.

It still makes me wonder though, am I going to miss it at all? You were there. But then you weren't. Am I going to miss it, being 10 with you, one last time in your life?

Mom and I are celebrating with just some cake, and we're going to an amusement park! She told me Kokuyou Land closed down a long time ago, which sucks, since that was my favorite park. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time it's probably not going to be as great as Kokuyou!

I'm just kinda sad that you couldn't be here to celebrate with me too.

-Tsuna

P.S. Our park is still my favorite! But I guess, since I'm too scared to go back to it, and Kokuyou Land is closed, I don't really have a favorite park anymore.


	26. November 25th, 2001

November 25th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

It's Thanksgiving! I know that's like an American holiday and stuff, but I think American holidays are pretty cool. This is a holiday celebrating gratefulness, and it's all about giving thanks. I don't think the world gives enough thanks to each other, so I think a whole day dedicated to being thankful and grateful for others is pretty awesome. It's like a whole day of selflessness! You would have really liked it. =)

For me, I'm thankful forrr… hm. Well, I'm not really sure. Is there anything left…?

My mom. She's what's left! I'm thankful for my mom, and everything she's done for me. I think I may have been ignoring her for a while, but the fact is that she has been by my side supporting me the whole time, even if she doesn't know how sad I really am. I think it would be better if I started to talk to her about some of my problems, like being alone in school. I mean, surely, she would listen to me like you have, right? Mom is really pretty and she was probably really popular in school, I wonder if she could help me make friends! I'm thankful for my mom, for being my hero and protecting me from a scary world. I need to protect her like she protects me, because I think she's the only one left now.

For sure, I'm thankful she hasn't left me either.

-Tsuna


	27. December 5th, 2001

December 5th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Happy birthday.

Once upon a time birthdays were a lot happier than this. They used to be celebrated another year older right? Now it's just a reminder for me. An anniversary that I don't want to remember but I don't want to ever forget it either.

So… it's been a whole year. A whole year that you've been gone. A year where you missed Christmas, New Years, entering middle school, and my birthday. A year since I watched that truck collide with you and…

Nevermind! I should stop talking about what you missed. I usually write letters, so you should know about all the things that went on here! I just wonder sometimes what I've missed. You know, what have you been doing? Is heaven treating you nice? The only thing I know for sure that I've missed is you…

Mom has been treating me really nice today. She made my favorite lunch and everything. I've tried not looking sad but I guess she saw it anyway, because Moms always know when their kids are sad. At least, mine does. Sorry, was that insensitive…? Sorry, Nagi-chan. But anyway, I guess I was dragging my feet around. I was also carrying around Nagi-chan the kitty plushie, since I miss both you and Mai-chan. Someone usually calls me out on it, but not today. I guess Mom understands.

She remembered that it was your birthday, so she asked me if I wanted to go and visit your grave at the cemetery and wish you happy birthday in person. So, I'm going to go do that soon. I'll leave some flowers there for you. I grew them myself. It's kinda small, but it's a happy birthday present from me to you. I mean, I don't think you can grow flowers on clouds, can you? Anyway, I think there's something special about the flowers here. They're able to come out from the dirty ground and bloom into something beautiful that smells really nice, and they always look up toward the sun. Sometimes I wonder if they're looking toward heaven. Maybe flowers dream of going to heaven too!

I'm kind of scared too, though. I mean, I haven't seen you since the accident. I didn't even get to go to your funeral, Nagi-chan. Your parents said it was a family-only thing when I asked. I guess I'm really scared of facing you after all that happened.

But… hey, I guess, it has been a whole year. I haven't cried in a long time. And, I actually made it. At some point I thought I wanted to die. To go join you up in heaven. But then I thought, what's the point of that? I know I'm useless Tsuna, and I can't do anything good, but the least I could do is keep living. I was really sad when I lost you, and I know some people would be sad if they lost me. They might even take it worse, maybe. My mom, Kyou, Yams. If I lost to suicide, they would all be really really sad. So I decided, if I am ever going to die, I'm going to do it saving someone else like you did, Nagi-chan. I wanna be a hero too.

I think for sure, though, that I've gotten stronger. It's been a long year. A terrible one. I don't have someone to help me now, but I've gotten through this year by myself. Somehow. It's kind of a successful feeling. If I keep going like this, taking it one day at a time… surely, I'll get through life somehow. Even if it's a lonely life.

Okay, I'm gonna go now. I'll be seeing you soon, maybe! I'm gonna leave just one flower here on my desk, so if you come down to read this letter when I'm gone, you can take the flower with you. It's a really nice flower. Red Camellias! I learned that red Camellia means "You're a Flame in my Heart." I think it really fits! Dunno why, but I know you're always going to be there in my heart, and even if the flame goes out one day, I'll find a way to light it right back up again! Because I never want the flame that's you to go out. Again, anyways.

Happy Birthday again, Nagi-chan!

-Tsuna


	28. December 6th, 2001

December 6th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

I'm really happy! Yesterday I left you that flower, and when I came back home at night it was gone! There were even some feathers too! The window was open, which is probably where you came from, and I don't remember the window being open! Or… at least, I don't remember checking if I closed it. Haha… oops. But anyway, it couldn't have been some random person since there were feathers and my room is on the second floor! You really did come by and read the letter did you? That's really awesome! I'm so happy!

For a while I actually thought I was writing these letters and you would never read them, but now I know that you are actually reading them! Maybe I should leave them out on my desk more often? I'm not sure. But this makes me really happy!

For a while I thought it was impossible, but maybe it isn't. I just gotta keep having hope huh?

Nagi-chan, if you can take a flower with you, you should definitely leave something for me. You know, like a gift from heaven! Or just something random. I don't really actually care, but I just wanna know if you still think of me too? Unless god doesn't want you to take stuff from heaven down to earth, then that's ok, I understand!

I actually had a nightmare last night, and it had you in it and everything. You know, like the terrible dreams from last year that wouldn't stop. I guess because it's the anniversary that the dreams came back. I was really scared. I didn't think I wanted to sleep tonight! But then I saw that you came by, and that makes me really super duper happy! Maybe tonight I won't have a nightmare?

Hey hey if you could visit, why hadn't you done it earlier? Were you giving me time to get used to the idea of you being dead? Are you going to visit more often?

Oh… wait, I know. It was because yesterday was your birthday, huh? Is that why you were allowed to visit? Ah… that makes sense! If I had known, I would have left you your birthday present from last year out for you. That way you could have taken that instead of a flower.

Anyway, I'm really happy to know that you're still around somewhere! Thank you! I think that definitely gave me the boost in happiness that I've needed for a while now. :]

You're the best Nagi-chan!

-Tsuna


	29. December 22nd, 2001

**A/N: **Hey guys! Thank you again for all of your reviews. :] They really made me laugh when you guys all were trying to figure out who took the flower! I was going to leave it to your imagination but... I guess I'll tell you all and answer your questions. I admit, I wasn't actually planning on that being Nagi. Nagi is off growing up into Chrome, somewhere off in Kokuyou. He had left the window open and there were feathers on Tsuna's desk, so I suppose in reality it was simply just a bird that took the flower. It meant nothing. It's simply that Tsuna had interpreted this as a very small glimmer of hope, and he's going to keep believing that it was Nagi who came by and took the flower. In the end, it sounds a lot sadder, but it makes Tsuna happier. Anyway, he's not that smart, he's bound to have misconceptions like that. But I think you all know that Nagi isn't actually dead. :P The way I write this story - you only know just as much as Tsuna does. But you also see how much he actually thinks about stuff, his innermost thoughts about stuff, and perhaps even lots of misinterpretations.

Also! **long live marshmallows**, I'm actually not all that sure! xD;; Haha, I probably should have done a little more research though, or planned this timeline a little bit better. Adurrr... Well, I started middle school around that age, haha. Assuming that middle school starts at 6th grade, and that Tsuna started kindergarten at 4-5, just about. Though I probably should have taken into consideration that Tsuna might have flunked, haha.

Anyway, enjoy this chapter, everyone! Thank you again for all of the support!

* * *

December 22nd, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

Christmas is coming up soon. So, I'm mailing my wishlist to Santa soon! I don't plan on putting a whole lot of things again.

So this year, I was kinda thinking I'd put you on there again, but I realized that I've seen you recently (kinda. I didn't see you but you were definitely here!) and Santa couldn't give me that last year, so I thought I wouldn't trouble him with trying to bring you back again. So instead, on my letter to Santa, I put "I want Dad home for Christmas."

I sure hope that Santa can bring him home! It would be a very good Christmas then. Since last time it was just me and Mom and Mai-chan, but Mai-chan isn't here anymore. So it would be just me and mom, and I think that sounds like an awfully lonely Christmas. So I want Dad to come home, so that Mom can have a happier Christmas! She's been doing all this worrying about me this past year. I've been giving her a whole lot of trouble, I think. So if dad was home, then maybe she'll be happier too! And then everyone will be happier.

So, that aside, a little about me. Remember how I mentioned that I had nightmares after your birthday? They were good for a while but… they started turning bad again. I didn't sleep well last night, or the night before. I hope they'll go away soon again.

If anything, I'll be able to stay up for when Santa comes, right? Ahaha…

Reliving that day over and over is terrible. Though, at this point, I think I've gotten so used to seeing the scene play over and over again in my head that it no longer hurts all that much. It's like seeing a movie again. You get really scared and anticipate the worst when the climax comes along and the main character is in trouble, but in the end you know what's going to happen. And you can't do anything to change the bad ending you get because that simply isn't within your power. The movie is made and done and you just have to deal with it. And worse, this is real life and not a movie. So I don't think there is going to be any sequels where Nagi-chan comes back to life, or something like that.

It's a good thing that I've stopped crying over your death, right?

…Right, Nagi-chan?

-Tsuna


	30. December 25th, 2001

December 25th, 2001

Dear Nagi-chan,

My Christmas so far has been really great! December in general has been pretty good.

Here's the best thing – Dad came home! He came home yesterday when I was already asleep, and when I woke up this morning he was poking my nose. I told him to go away, and he said "Ok" and got up, but then I realized Dad was _actually _there! So I jumped up and hugged him real tight and he said "Merry Christmas" to me!

Santa is real great. He actually was able to give me daddy for Christmas!

I got some really cool gifts too. The new transformers Optimus Prime figurine – it actually transforms! Also, I got this really nice yellow beanie with a matching scarf, because it's cold outside. It's not snowing though, aha. And daddy also got me this really cool orange jacket! It's a little big on me, I think it'll fit later when I'm 14 or 15. It kinda looks like a caution sign though! It's orange and white, and the left sleeve has these three little studded lines that kinda look like crosswalks. I dunno if that's a stretch at all, but I think it might be that. He does work as an oil trafficker or something like that!

I wish you could be here too. Like give me a sign or something?

Oh, mom is making those cookies again! I can smell them from here! This is really great. =D

It's still around morning time… maybe I should try inviting Kyou and Yams and some other people over for Christmas? Do you think that would be a good idea? …ah, probably not, they're probably happy with their own families and friends anyways.

Ah… it started snowing outside.

Is that the sign that you're here too? :]

-Tsuna


	31. January 1st, 2002

January 1st, 2002

Dear Nagi-chan,

Happy New Year!

The fireworks were super cool last night. Did you get to see them, too?

This year, I think I'll make it my resolution to get good at something! I'm really tired of being called "Useless-Tsuna" by all my classmates, so I want to stop being so useless!

I know that you probably would have told me that I'm not useless. But, what am I even good at? Making friends? That wouldn't help me in school. Messing up? That's not something that I want to be good at! What else is there… clinging? I'm good at that. You know, holding onto something, _someone_ who just simply isn't there anymore.

-Tsuna


	32. May 5th, 2002

**A/N:** Hey guys! Merry Christmas! Well, I'm a little bit late, but close enough, eheh. Sorry for being so slow with the updates. I've just been a little lazy, and I just realized this chapter had been sitting in my folder just collecting dust! Ughh I'm the worst. So sorry!

Well regardless, I hope you like it! I promise I'll try updating some more! This goes for my other fiction, STRANGERS, so watch out! =]

* * *

May 5th, 2002

Dear Nagi-chan,

I'm sooooo sorry! I forgot to write for a little while. :[ But I didn't forget about you! Sorry, you must have been looking forward to my letters, huh? Sorry to keep you waiting. Sorry, Nagi-chan.

For some reason, no matter how many times I'll tell you sorry, I just don't feel forgiven. You know, for everything, not for just forgetting to write. I mean, I know you'd forgive me, because I know you could never possibly stay mad at me. But I just don't feel forgiven. Maybe it's because I just can't forgive myself. I guess I might be the only person who can stay mad at me, right? Ahaha…

Er, anyway. Not much has happened, as usual. No new things and no new friends. Middle school is kinda hard, but any school is really hard for me. I can't ever imagine going to cram school like you had to!

I wonder, is there anyone else out there, maybe another 11 year old boy, who lost his best friend? What's he doing right now? Do you think he's with his best friend? Is that a good decision? Ahh… I don't know about that. But then again, I don't know if anyone else even exists like that. I can't help but thinking I'm just alone, and there isn't anybody who knows what I know now. There probably isn't anyone who lost someone they really held close like a sister to a truck, and there probably isn't anyone as young as me who can understand how much it just sucks to be alone like this! I'm probably all alone again.

B-but wait… that's what I thought when I met you, huh? I was alone, and I thought no other kid knew what it was like to be lonely? But then you came along. You knew what it was like to be lonely and you changed everything.

Maybe there's some little hope. Yeah, there's definitely some little hope.

-Tsuna


	33. June 24th, 2002

June 24th, 2002

Dear Nagi-chan,

I can't take it anymore! I quit! I don't want to do it anymore! I hate it! I hate this! I hate me! And I hate y—

You….

And maybe I'm a huge liar.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'll write to you another time. I'm just going to cry now, and maybe when I'm better, I'll tell you about it. Then you'll tell me it's all ok, because you've always been there for me.

…I really am a huge liar.

-Tsuna


	34. July 1st, 2002

July 1st, 2002

Dear Nagi-chan,

Honestly, I can't remember what I was so angry about a week ago. Was it everything? Was it life? Was it people?

I guess it kinda goes to show that some things come and pass. Kinda like you. Bad feelings don't last for too long. The saddest part, though, is that good feelings don't last for too long either. And when you're sad, you only pay attention to the end of the good feelings instead of how long they lasted.

I don't remember a lot from last week, actually. Though… I kinda… gave up, I guess. On life in general.

It was a bad day, and I don't want to go into detail, but mom wasn't there when I got home and I was so upset that I began to throw a tantrum and started punching at random things. I might have broken a few vases, since we have new ones in the living room now. Anyway, to be honest… I just kinda… I kinda wanted to die.

I forgot about everything. Everything I promised you, since I was so angry. I forgot that I told you that I would try fighting. I forgot that I told you I'd try making a friend. I forgot that I told you I'd save someone if I died, like you did. I forgot a lot of things. Except two things. How you died and where mom's painkillers were.

I just really, really, really, REALLY wanted it all to end. Just. Everything. I was so tired of it. I am so tired of it. I'm so sorry.

I took mom's painkillers, and a lot of them. And I put them back where I found them, and I went to my room, and I sat there. It was taking too long to kick in. So I wrote that letter to you in my anger. And I regretted it. And I regretted a lot of things. And I grabbed Nagi-chan the kitty plushie and laid down on my bed and cried. I cried because the pain wasn't ending. It was still there. It all was still there. It all hurt. So, so badly. It hurt everywhere. And I just couldn't handle it! And I felt bad. I felt sorry. And I hated myself.

I missed you so much. I told myself, I'd see you again soon. And I closed my eyes and I hoped it would all just end then and there.

I guess I'm lucky, or maybe I'm not, because it didn't end there. But I don't know.

I woke up in the hospital. I'll be honest; the first thought then was that I hated myself then too. Because why did I get to wake up and not you? That wasn't fair. At. All.

But I heard my mom crying. And that brought it all back to me.

I broke her heart that day. I can't look her in the eye again. Not for a while, anyway. I've kinda been avoiding her. I've been trying to go to dad more, but he's mad at me. So now I don't have anyone to go to. And it sucks.

She was crying, and maybe she was mad at me but she hugged me so tight I might have died from suffocation. I forgot about a lot of things, but the absolute worst thing was that I forgot about her, and I broke her and things could have ended up so, so, so much worse.

Now that I think of it, I was just being selfish. Lots of things hurt. Yeah. I'm only 11. I'm too young to hate the world this much, but it hasn't been treating me fairly. No kid should go through this! Nobody should go through this.

Death is the worst thing in the world and I can't believe I almost accepted it with open arms. It's made me realize that I'm afraid of dying. I'm more afraid of other people dying. And I promise, I really, really, _really_ promise you, I'm not gonna try something so dumb again. I'll live.

Maybe it's your fault that I'm this way. I'm so afraid of everything.

Maybe it's your fault I'll grow up stronger than I ever could have been.

But I just like to think that I'd grow up even stronger if you never died to start.

-Tsuna

* * *

**Author's note:** First, I would like to apologize if this chapter really offended anyone. I know depression and suicide is a huge thing for a lot of people, and there was no way I could write this chapter realistically because I myself never knew what it felt like to give up like Tsuna had done. But, it's not like I was joking about it at all. Tsuna's a broken child in this fiction, and keeping up a happy facade is really hard when one feels so utterly alone like that.

This chapter was sort of inspired by a headcannon I read somewhere on Tumblr. They had the idea that Tsuna had tried to commit suicide because he was so lonely. I at first didn't agree, because it didn't seem like he would have a good reason to, but it seemed to fit almost perfectly with this fiction. I'm sorry I can't remember who said that headcannon though! ^^;

Anyway, I know I'm really slow on updating D= I said I would update STRANGERS but I've been the worst at finding a way to close the next chapter. And I have terrible work ethic. I'm surprised a lot of you still stick around, anyway ;u; but regardless, I've been quite busy with my school work. So again, my apologies. /bows/

I thought I would give you a little update on me, though it doesn't really matter. I hope you guys enjoyed this tearful chapter! I'm definitely cheering it up a little more in the next chapters. Tsuna's gonna try a little harder!


End file.
